Integrity

Sometimes, people think I'm nuts.

And sometimes, people wish....that they had my balls.

I don't know what I think about me sometimes. All I really know is that I have this push inside of me that won't let me veer from what I believe to be right.

While I can empathize with most, I find it hard to believe that most can't empathize with me.

I truly DO NOT HAVE A PRICE. If you offered me a million dollars to do something my moral compass disapproves of, I wouldn't accept it. I can't cave in the face of adversity. I won't negotiate my values. While right and wrong have a gray area, for me, the lines don't blur.

I am proud to say I stand up for myself. I firmly believe that the choices I make as a female will directly affect those of the the same gender that will follow in my footsteps. I also believe that the choices I make as a human being will benefit mankind. I can't NOT do that.

So...call me crazy, and judge me on your values...but I stand firm....no regrets

I'm a survivor, in more ways than one. I won't compromise my values for society or what society thinks is acceptable. Perhaps...Society is Wrong.

a long day's night

It's funny how one person can change your perspective.

I don't know that I will ever be the person that anyone NEEDS me to be. I am who I am. I make no apologies.

Being comfortable in your own skin is both freeing and a burden. I can see the judgements, and hear the looks. Screw you.

And then....I think...who am I really screwing? Maybe, just maybe, I'm the problem.

And then you meet someone...someone that makes sense, and feels right....and yet....ahhh.....you know....

I have to be different people at many different times. I am a mother...and that makes me stable. I am a worker, in a male dominated profession, and that makes me hard. I am a single woman, and that makes me independent and tough. I have to be responsible, and resilient, and understanding. I am also a person that is loving and faithful. Boil all this in a pot....and somehow, it just doesn't work for many. It works for me.

Right or wrong...it's just me. So if I have to accumulate 30 cats and live alone, it's what I'll do. But you.....have changed my perspective. I now see that...more than ever.....I'm ok.

And it won't be cats...it will be dogs.

I can't be anyone but exactly who I am.

This oughta piss off some people

Marines piss on people.....

Yeah....go blow your horn and be outraged. Whatever.

There are hundred of thousands of children in this country being abused daily.....
Families have no food.....
Your fucking neighbor doesn't have a job....

And because the media exploited the people that defend your country......you get mad. I call bullshit.

Hey...go sign up for the military. Go through basic training, and then load your gun and defend your country. Then....you can bitch.

Most of you have no idea what it's like to kill someone. Hell, most of you don't know what it's like to leave your state, let alone your country.

Do I think what they did was right? Well, in my world, NO. Although, those thoughts have crossed my mind. But that is MY world...not theirs.

I can only imagine and suppose what it must be like to be a soldier. And in the middle east, where unrest is the norm....fuck that. We are spoiled. We live in ecstacy compared to what is going on in other countries. Get over yourself.

I'm gonna turn a corner, only to prove a point.

I was molested by many men, and raped by one. And now, I am a mother of a 13 year old girl, and I can't tell you how I might react if these same things happened to her. Oh yeah....you bet your ass I have thought about it. It's one of my biggest fears. I have visions of a slow painful death for any degenerate that may violate my youngin'. But the truth is, I really don't know what I would do if faced with this. No one does.

Now, get your ass in fatigues, and endure blistering heat, and eat crap for months, and kill people that you are "supposed" to. You gonna keep your head in check? Are you gonna watch a sniper kill your best friend then go all "moral compass"? I don't know....again...NO ONE does.

There is no human that is perfect. You and me and soldiers and nurses and bankers...we are all sinners. We Make Mistakes. Judge not lest ye be judged.

As you go about your day, with your latte and your ipod, and bustle off to your job, and home and family....try and remember.....Your life doesn't represent everyone. There is a huge world out there, and if you do one thing today....let it be this. Compassion for the human condition. It isn't yours to hog.

Purpose

Many times in my life I have wondered why I am here? What does God have in store for me? I've even wanted to give it all up before. Like end it all. The last several years of my life have opened my eyes.....

I know why I am here. I know what my purpose is and what God's plan is for me. It's not an easy road, and still, I accept it.

I remember that scene from City Slickers. "You know what the secret to life is?" "It's that one thing....and you have to figure it out for yourself." I have figured out mine.

I give of myself to make sure that others shine. I feel good, when others are inspired or feel hope. I give until it hurts, and watch the glory. I speak for those who can't speak for themselves. I endure, so that others may not. I smile, even when it hurts, because I have to. It is my calling.

It's a lot. A whole hell of a lot. And yet, I'm at peace.

I'm not perfect by any means. I fuck up daily, and struggle with many things. And yet, it's all OK. I know what my job is. I don't need a lot of money, or people fawning over me. I need to know, that people are OK. I need to know that because of my actions, or my words, hope is infiltrating the masses.

So my heart beats, and I work and I do laundry. And I live. And, I will continue to live, and be a compassionate human being that ...well..."gets it."

Find out why you are here. Life is too short. Be the spark that you know can be. Everyday is a gift, and I can continue on with these cliche's.....but you get the gist.

Peace is just a reflection away.

Arrogance

I'm not entirely sure arrogance is a filthy adjective or not. It's got me scratching the noggin.

When I see assholes strutting around and acting with false bravado and acting like the world revolves around them, then yes. When I see chicks pretending to be supermodels and marginalizing those that don't have the "look"....well...then yes.

Overall, I don't agree with the term because I think it is overused. Mostly I think people mean--"hey...they aren't like me and think they are better." Do they really?

Well, duh. People think I'm arrogant. I'm really not. Not even a little bit. And I guess that leads me to this.....SAY WHAT YOU MEAN.

When I think of successful athletes, or leaders....I think a sense of "arrogance" is necessary. Law Enforcement is usually characterized as such as well. However, I think I want my "boys in blue" conducting themselves with that certain......well....arrogance.

There are times in this world when I believe it's necessary. It's all about believing in yourself and having the courage and balls to walk the walk, and talk the talk.

I have always told my daughter that --BIG RISKS EQUAL BIG REWARDS-- No one risks in a giant way without "over" believing in themselves. Crap, I do it everyday. Anyone ever tell you, " Do something every day that scares the shit out of you?" If you subscribe to this.....you might be labeled as arrogant.

I'm just saying. Choose your words carefully. Arrogance can be mistaken for confidence, or courage, or even amazing talent. Don't let that word define people that amaze you.

Don't underestimate YOUR ability to be arrogant!

Walk proud!

Oh Geez

I don't know why, but I woke up thinking about the upcoming presidential election. I don't have time to think about crap like this......but...

I vote. Always have, and always will. Somehow I think it's not only my right, but my duty. I know it wasn't very long ago that my gender wasn't "allowed" to vote. We weren't allowed to do alot of things. So, I vote.

Having said that, I don't want to vote for any of these candidates. NONE of them. Our political system is sooo money driven that there is NO WAY any of these goons can relate to what we as the middle class/poor really need in a president.

I know some pretty cool people that are pretty smart that I would vote for. I know a mother in the mid-west that has recently gone back to school to earn her degree while her and her husband are raising two children. She is full of integrity and love and has the Lord in her heart. I'd vote for her.

I know a school teacher right here in my neck of the woods that is so dedicated to her class she spends gobs of her own money to make sure they not only learn, but grow as individuals. I'd vote for her.

I know a pretty awesomely cool dude that works in Seattle. A laborer position. He studies compassion, and plays a guitar, and loves his family to pieces. He has more than he needs, but you would never know it as he values family over "things." I'd vote for him.

So am I going to vote this year? I don't know. I really don't. I will study the candidates and issues as much as I care to, and then leap off the bridge when I get there. And hey, there is always that nagging voice in my head that says....."if you don't vote, that dipshit will!"

Choose with Care.

Maverick Out.....

At last....

I'm battling between jubilation and anxiety at this moment. Something I have wanted for a very long time may or may not be coming into fruition. I...find...it...hard....to...fathom....

I work hard, very hard at what I do. I work like I parent. Integrity and determination and that moral compass that can't seem to point any way but due North. It's a curse and a blessing.

I'm not run of the mill. I'm out of the box, and exponentially called out on it. Sometimes, the mouth runneth over, and yet, even when taken to task, I'm usually right. Count to ten, Casi, Count to ten. puke

On this day, my hope has been renewed. Perhaps the drama and the struggle had blurred the vision. Perhaps, I had given up subconsciously. Whatever the case....I am on the verge of seeing hard work pay off.

I always tell my daughter that it works, and yet it's hard to believe it in my own works. Silly. It's true. HARD WORK PAYS OFF!

Whatever your endeavor, I hope you don't follow in my mindset and give up on something that you want. Consciously or sub consciously. Life is short......and life is shitty sometimes, but it's always YOUR life......

Dream big.....and love.

Thankful

I've been thinking so incessantly about how much I have, and especially how much my daughter, Lydia, has. It's too much. Way too much.

I live in a town where people live under bridges, and children are hungry.

Trying to look for positives everyday is a challenge. I look to God for guidance, and try to understand why there is a barrier. Is it me? Is it them? Truth is, no one knows the exact why.

Even though the area where I reside is unusually high in homeless and drug addicted humans, there are still many of positives. So, does that make me an asshole for trying to remember the positives everyday?



I look to children, our youth, everyday to try to make sense of the world. It makes me long for the days when perhaps my brain wasn't ready to deal with all this shit. Still....it doesn't make me feel that much better.

I try to watch how my daughter conducts herself on a daily basis, and wonder if she worries about what I worry about. I wonder if she thinks how she might solve all these problems when she meets adulthood.

And then I'm reminded,....One day at a time. Maybe all the answers don't have to fall at my feet. Maybe I worry much more than I should. But if I don't worry, who will?



I can't feel guilty for trying to make sure my baby girl has more than I did. I can't feel guilty for watching her innocently enjoy youth. She has more than she can possibly wrap her tiny brain around, and today I'm saying that is ok.

I have compassion and love for mankind. I am a realist, and a humanist, which at times, makes me ache in my belly. I won't apologize for any of it. I can't. It's who I am.



Tomorrow may be another day, but today, is today. Heavy heart and all.....