Aside from my daughter Lydia, the longest relationship of my life was my dog, Gladys. That speaks volumes about my relationship skills! I'd post my number for all you single hotties, but finding out I'm a controlling bitch through the written word is much more satisfying for me.
My ex husband and I adopted her from the shelter as a pup. Through the years, the divorce, the jobs, the boyfriends, the child...there she was. My girl. Gladys.
I remember when she got sick. Spent a lot of money to save her. Money I didn't have at the time, but when you love someone, how can you not?
She had a great last month or so. Saw the canal, and Puget Sound, and all the shit I should have showed her before she got ill. Made me feel like an asshole.
The morning I came home from clam digging, and she couldn't get up, I knew it was the day. Called the vet, got the kid out of school....and off we went.
I felt an obligation to not let her die alone. One of the single biggest regrets of my life. That 5 minutes is etched in the shallows of my brain and reminds me often of how much it hurts to lose someone, and to watch them die.
That brain....filled with all sorts of agonizing crap.
I lost my dad when I was 5. Cancer. Even the last visit in the hospital doesn't stick in my mind. It was the funeral. The smells, the sounds, the tears. Fucked up shit.
Loss is inevitable. I lost a grandfather. An incredible school mate. A pseudo dad. A vibrant client. And what do I get to do? Nothing. Not a god damned thing.
I would love to be able to prevent death of those that mean the most to me. However, then I'd have to being all Jesus-Like....and honestly, the friends I do have can barely stand to be around me now. I don't need a super power.
I just get to remember.
I try to tell myself that loss has helped mold me into a stronger person. But that is bullshit. The truth is, I'm no different that anyone else. WE all get to watch people we love die. Yay for being a human! Good Times.
I can do something though. I can amend my behavior.
I haven't always been the best at keeping in contact with the people that mean the most to me. I guess that's part of my inflated self love. But I can change. I can reach out, even if it's just a phone call, or social media. I can reach out.
And so can you. Today's lesson boys and girls, is one I have had to learn the hard way. Make time for those that mean the most to you. Leaving an imprint on someone is a selfless act. The alternative is being terrorized by demons in your brain,...those demons named appropriately guilt and shame.
Make time.
No comments:
Post a Comment