The last 12 hours have been a turning point for me. While I'm not ready to reveal all that I have been through, I am ready to leave some of it behind me.
I feel blessed to have Lydia. As many of you know, I have always said that if I had it to do over again, I wouldn't have had children. NOT that I don't adore Lydia and everything that she and motherhood have brought, but the hurt that accompanies helplessness is agony. I just didn't think that shit through.
That being said, I think I feel a comfort knowing that the child that I do have, is pretty damned awesome.
Last night she made me smile and laugh until by belly hurt. This morning we had a monumental discussion on the way to school. I realized I had missed those talks. For the last couple of years she was within walking distance of school...and we didn't get to have talks. They are back.
Hours of therapy and doctor appointments, baby steps. One ride to school with a fabulous kid makes a long jump. Yay.
I know everyone loves their children for different reasons. I know people love MY child for different reasons than I do. But by far, I think the very best thing I love about Lydia, is that she is present. Not missing a fucking thing. I wish I could have been that way at her age.
Cannot wait to see what the future holds for her.
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