Dear Everyone: Here is your Christmas Card.

Ah 2014.  Winding down and coming to a close.  Things you have taught me.  Let us reflect.

Well Lyd and I survived 2013 just barely.  After I got out of the nuthouse, and moved to the beach, life started slowly getting better.  I gotta give a shout out to my kid here.  She stuck by me when she didn't have to.  Many times she walked me away from a situation where I froze and broke down.  My kid is strong, and she made me stronger.  All that time dealing with PTSD, and all I wanted was to find was a lesson in all of it for her.  OH there were lessons....for both of us.

Lesson one:  Don't get raped.
Lesson two:  Don't take your own life.
Lesson three:  heal.

I laugh as I write that.  I can look back and laugh, and that shit is a win.  I/we are survivors.

I feel completely idiotic as I reflect.  My problems seem so little now.  It reminds me of an old boyfriend that fought the war in the middle east after 9-11.  He was a member of the British Military. I asked him when he was on leave what it was like to be there.  He laughed, uncontrollably as he recalled how he and his fellow soldiers laughed as the shrapnel flew and the sound was deafening.  It was surreal.  It was out of body. It was fucking scary.  I can't pretend I know what it's like to go to war, but I can totally relate to what it is like to feel that way.  Just doesn't seem real now.

And, now......I'm alive.  So alive.

So Lydia and I continue to struggle in our love lives.  This is the 20th year in a row that Jay Buhner hasn't called to tell me he divorced Leah and wants to spend the rest of his life with me.  And...so I wait.  As for Lydia, after Kyle Seager signed his new contract, and flaunted the whole..."i have a wife bs."  she (we) have now set our sights on Corey Seager. (Kyle's little bro)  I think he will make a fine son in law.

I like Lyd's chances better than mine.


Lydia has had a really great year.  As most know, I am damned proud of her.  And here is why.  The kid is an excellent student and continues to amaze me in her journey for knowledge.  The best thing she has said to me all year is, "I actually hear your words coming out of my mouth mom."  Is there a greater honor?

She had a fine year playing fast pitch for HHS.  Being a 2nd baseman her entire career and getting moved to center-field was an adjustment.  But, like she always does, she worked her ass off and made all conference 2nd league the first year at her new position. And...her mom got honorable mention in the coaches meeting....sigh.

Her heart remains planted in Washington Thunder Country, where she plays many positions.  She has formed some unbelievable friendships and has some outstanding coaches.  It has transformed her into an even better person than she used to be.

And....that is really all that Lydia does....play ball.  Except for, volunteering at a food bank, hunting and killing a nice buck, attending and cheering for many sports at her school, attending her brothers events and games, and loving me and the rest of her family.

I have met some amazing people this year.  I have also met a lot of assholes.  I'm gonna say it's about a 60/40 split.  After coming out of hiding, I decided not to waste any time at all.  So, if you fall into either category, you already know.

I suppose I would be remiss if I didn't mention my parenting achievements in 2014.

We had two very awesome campouts/parties at our pad. The first one had me singing at the top of my lungs and showing Lydia the value of karaoke skills, not to mention which alcohols not to mix. The second of such events I had a more practical approach and showed my darling daughter how NOT to smoke weed.  I am quite sure I am in the running for parent of the year!  Don't forget to vote!

Other awesome happenings this year:   running out of gas twice, (slow learner i am), going on a date with a complete psycho that Lydia nearly shot, adopting a new wiener dog that hates me and loves the kid, adopting a cat that also hates me, Joshua Hibbard, getting and either quitting and or getting fired from 4 different jobs, and last but not least, discovering the deliciousness of a 7 Seas double IPA called Ballz Deep.

I hope this year kept you all well and happy.  We are well, and we are happy, and we are not buying stamps and envelopes and mailing this letter.  We have gone virtual.


So here is a virtual hug and kiss.  Goodbye 2014--forever.

Casi and Lydia

Welcome to our World: A few things....

Welcome to our World: A few things....: The past few weeks my brain has been in overdrive.  Many hot topics on the table...and so I give you this missive in early December....to po...

A few things....

The past few weeks my brain has been in overdrive.  Many hot topics on the table...and so I give you this missive in early December....to ponder...and enjoy.

While football season has me plagued with anxiety, and Nascar and baseball over, I find myself focusing on things that bring me stress, and or concern.  Not that I don't always care about many things, it's just now, my distractions are limited.

If you are not aware of my stance, or the person that I am...let me introduce myself.

I DO NOT belong to any political pudding.  I have  2-3 pounds of matter in my skull that I choose to lean on.  Ye 'Ole brain is there for the taking...and I choose to use it. I use it independently, of my own free will.

 Here is what I believe:

I believe in God, and I believe in Science.  I support capital punishment and same sex marriage/relationships.  I believe in a person's right to choose, man or woman.  I believe in the justice system, and I believe in equality.  I believe in a person's culture, and their right to participate in such. I practice common sense, and inexplicably follow my heart on occasion. I believe in intuition, and I believe humans,  no matter the circumstance, deserve the gift of NOT being judged by others.  Try to lump me into a category, I dare you.  (Not quite the Crash Davis speech)  lol

So that being said.....

Let's chat about Ferguson. ('merica)

Two things.  Unless you were there, shut up!  AND, unless you have served the public with a weapon on your hip, you do not get to have an opinion.  Done.  Not everything that happens in this world is about race.  You would know this if you turned off the damned television.  You are being led to slaughter by the media.

Personal accountability.

I am choosing NOT to throw statistical truths at you.  I mostly don't rely on or believe in statistical data, but when numbers are the marker, statistics become truth. Math is a constant, period. Besides, it's all public information, and if you choose to look it up, take a gander at the crime numbers, and pay close attention to the race.  You wanna make shit about race.  Let's talk about prisons and violent crime.  Now shut up.

Young black males aren't the only people in this world that are being stereotyped.  What pops into your mind when a Native American has a drink in his or her hand.  What might you be thinking when you see a fat girl eating at a buffet.  Probably just shrug and smile politely when you see an Hispanic woman with 7 kids in tow.  Maybe you don't bat an eye when you see an elderly person driving 40mph on the freeway.  Hows about a young male from just outside of town with a confederate flag in the back window of his 4 wheel drive.  It's all relative, and it's none of your fucking business.

The 2nd Amendment

I own guns...I carry weapons, and I believe in an Americans right to do so.  Limiting access to them tramples on the constitution of this country.  Most people are responsible gun owners.  Criminals will always be criminals, and they will find a weapon no matter what law you put into effect.  Where exactly are you going to draw the line on this issue?  Maybe spend all that time and money on protecting citizens while strengthening law enforcement, and quit treating gun owners like criminals. Perhaps we are headed for a revolution, or perhaps we should bring back vigilantes. I don't know, but what I do know is this:  Shitting on the constitution is wrong, and opening doors for political powerhouses to whittle  the amendments away is democratic suicide.

Next time you are out in public, and see a representative of the armed forces in your presence. -- Kick them in the nuts.  It's the same as voting these ridiculous laws into being.  I can only imagine what someone that has been shot at oversees thinks of your disregard for our freedoms.

My next topic is passion.  

I get the outpouring for young lives lost.  I get the outcry for what some perceive as senseless murders.  It's emotion.  Passion for a cause.  I got a great taste of this when I was a student at The Evergreen State College.  And what I said then, I believe in still.  You can piss and moan all you want.  Shout obscenities at the government.  Flip off the cops.  Burn a flag.   Meanwhile, the world keeps moving.

Emotion will never change laws.  In fact, it's more for your release of angst than any sort of step in the right direction.  This notion of one person making a difference starts with personal accountability and logic.  Emotion and Logic don't dance in the same building.

I am a beacon of passion.  It has plagued me for years.  I am wildly misunderstood because of it.  A few  people in my life get it, but most think I'm a ticking time bomb.  I admit, that I can be, Anyone can be.  The difference is, once my fuse burns, I'm ready to sit down and logically and intelligently discuss solutions, rather than continue to tread water.

Which brings me to my last topic.  Compromise

Nothing is ever going to change in this county, state, or country until people realize that they can't have it all their way.  You hear a lot of people bullshitting about reaching across the aisle.  Why should we expect elected officials to do it if we can't even do it ourselves?  Conversations have to change.  Instead of demanding change for what WE need, listen to what others need too, and find a compromise that both can live with.

I believe that things could change if we adopted this new way of thinking.  But, as Americans, we are raised with a feeling of superiority and entitled assholes are breeding entitled assholes to make baby entitled assholes.

There is no one person in this world that deserves more than the next.  Make personal accountability your mantra.  It is ALL that you can do.

Living the Dream. Sorta

I have been very public and honest with my journey this past year or so.  I know that most of the  people that call me "friend" know how the struggle has empowered and or injured me in a plethora of ways.  Self reflection currently has me a bit angry, and here is why.....

I needed to make a decision earlier this spring about what I would do next.  While the time came much sooner than I would have liked, it still forced me into making decisions.   I thought at length about my family, work history, my education, and my life goals.  It whirled into one easy peasy pod of enlightenment.  I just simply wanted to work.  Just work.

Living at the beach I decided that customer service was most prevalent, and being outgoing, I decided that yes, I could work with the public, as long as I didn't have to care about them.

Ocean Shores is a tourist town.  A tourist town that is (mis) managed by an elderly generation that doesn't blend well with neither the business owner nor the tourist.  It's true.  Argue if you must, but if most people here had their way, there would be a dome over this village where an epic, yet pathetic, fight to the death "Octogenarian Olympiad" would ensue until the last deer went unfed, and the last bass in the lake went belly up.  It's just screwed up, just like most small towns.  Despite the bass ackwards politics and the pointless meetings, it's my home, and I can walk to the beach and smile....so I stay....and I work....

And there it is.....Customer Service in Ocean Shores.  Of all the soul searching and self reflection and battles that I have encountered over the last year, I had no idea that taking a new career path would be so crap-hazardly sad.

I have been blessed for the lion's share of my life with affluence.  And while I didn't know it in the moment, it made me blind to struggle.  Money struggles anywho.  I have never really wanted for anything.  At a young age I learned a trade and that took me places that most people only dream of.  Most people that work customer service that is.

It's a forgotten art.  An under-appreciated living that is hard work.  I am known for criticizing the customer service in this area.  I was raised a different way I suppose.  But now in the thick of it, I wonder, maybe this is why people that work customer service don't give a shit. Maybe now I know exactly why, they don't put their all into it.

I am smack in the middle of poverty folks.  I work for minimum wage, and rely on tips to make ends meet.  I am lucky.  Many who work in customer service for minimum (minimal) wage, don't get tips.  And so it goes....

Employers that rely on customer service employees assume a lot.  They assume that people that work in customer service have no skills, no education, and no brain. Mostly, this is not true.  Mostly, these people work so hard they don't know any other way.  But, mostly, they struggle.  And most have to work two jobs to pay the bills.  Atrocious.

It is also true that NONE of the customer service workers get full time work.  NO full time equals no insurance, and no outside chance of overtime.

You can spout all your survival of the species bullshit you want. Take inventory.  How do you JUDGE customer service workers?

It is my humble assertion that no one of us is more important than the next.  I have reason to shout loudly now, that I stand in a minority in this thought.  I am now shit on someones shoes, and let me tell you , it sho don't feel very guud.

The honest truth is, I won't stay in this party.  I have options.  It's a tragedy equivalent to something Shakey might have written.  Why?  I frickin love my job.  I love working with the public.  Mostly I love working with people and walking away.  I have never felt so strongly about making a difference in people's lives.  And yet,.....I can't stay.  I won't stay.  I won't sacrifice my integrity ......like many others have to.

Legions of my colleagues don't have the option.  They will stay, and they will suffer.  They will work their asses off their entire lives and find that most folks, while looking down their nose at them, don't give a shit.

I give a shit.  You should too.

I am a single mother.  I work my ass off to barely make it.  And, although this is happening to me for the first time in my life, by choice, many have no choice, and have been doing this forever.  Is it fair?

Do you feel like those who work in customer service are deserving of poverty?

Check yourself.  Next time you are out, and about, and someone serving you is in your circle, please remember.....Not everyone in customer service has a choice.  However, they all have families and lives.

Happy Thanksgiving.

It isn't all about the Base.....no more baseline

A little over a year has past.

NO more financial support.  NO more psychiatric support.  Only a year's time to nurture my mind.

When the one year mark passed, I reflected quietly and told myself that life just has to move on.  Of course it has, and I have had a few realizations is the continuum of time.


That girl/woman/mom is gone.  I will never be the same again.  I am ok with this.  I suppose others won't, and I will gravitate towards others that will accept me as I am.  I talked to Lydia, my daughter, about this, and she is fine with it, so she says.  I worry what sort of impact this may have on her life.  I want her to see me strong and able, and not vulnerable.  I'm failing.

I prefer the comfort of my home and animals.  I love nothing more than a chat with the kid, and dinner at home.  I simply don't want to be a social butterfly, let alone meet and greet folks on a daily basis.

Drama, stress, and responsibility for others lives are triggers for me, and I refuse to participate in any of it.

Strangely enough, I have chosen to enter the customer service world.  It seems I still am interested in people, and love to talk to them, just don't want to make a personal connection with them, ever.  It works for me right now.

I cry inside every day.  I suppose a mini pity party.  It has made me hard, and more aware than I have ever been in my life.  People suck overall, which I am sure everyone knows and  I look forward to the day when this rock we inhabit gives up and we dissolve away from worry and angst.

So I pray.

I skip day to day thinking I am better.  Then I find my daughter walking me away from some stillness in time.  Never knowing when the PTSD might surface is fucking awesome.  The good news -- I'm grateful for a daughter that understands more than most people my age.  If you take anything from my words, remember that one does not simply "get better" from a rape, or from any traumatic event.

The purpose of this missive is twofold.  I sincerely want to tell my dear friends that even though I don't make an effort to make appearances, I still hold you all in my heart and love you dearly.  I've thought a lot about how wrong it is to isolate myself, but I'm allowing it, because I can.  For those of you that continue to contact me, and love me despite my estranged situation, THANK YOU.  so there is that.....

More importantly, I wanted you all to learn along with me.  Even though I'm hiding, and doing the best I can, I have learned what NOT to do as a friend to someone who is struggling.  Don't treat people differently.  Hugs and people heal.  If your friend chooses isolation, go to them. That doesn't have to mean literally.  Pretending that you are helping by giving them space does not help. Dropping a line via email, a text, even a reference to your friendship in a conversation sometimes is enough to just help someone make it through the day.  Depending on your level of friendship, react accordingly. 

Everyday I hope for the best.  I have my daughter, and my dogs, and my family and my friends.  I love my house at the beach, and the comfort it brings me.  

Finally, I want you all to know that help is available.  If it wasn't for the many resources available, I probably would not be here writing this.  

And in other news:...anyone want a cat?

My Ocean.

I realized today that I am in the middle of an amazing love affair.  I'm giddy.

I tried to deny it, and keep it all in perspective, but anyone that knows me is aware that just isn't my strong suit.  My heart resides on my sleeve.  Some say it makes me who I am.  Some says it's my biggest weakness.  I choose to not define it.  I can only be who I am.

I try to be with my love each day.  Occasionally, time doesn't allow.  I don't feel whole on these days.  However, it's easy to put myself back in the arms of my loved one, even if we can't physically touch.

She has no idea how much I love her.  She has no idea how much anyone loves her.  She just does her thing and does it well.  No one will ever be able to match the majesty that she can create.  She is AWESOME.

It's unfortunate that I have to share her.  I want to be selfish, and make her all mine.  Alas, it's not allowed.  So I make the most of the time I have, and cherish the moments that nurture my heart.

Sometimes I can stay with her for hours.  I am spoiled in that respect.  Even though I am not alone with her, I feel like she is the only one in my soul.

I can sit for hours and just listen to her.  I don't have to see her...but just hear her.  It's a sweet song of love and commitment that no one else is the universe can match. It frees me,  A melody that can be as gentle as plush, and as harsh as a firestorm.  Either way, I feel mesmerized by the notes that only she can reach.

Under no circumstance does she fail me.  If I need her, she is there.  If I need to dream of her, she paints my dreams.  If I need a safe place, she cradles me.  When I need a friend, there is never a time she won't listen.  

She gives and gives and doesn't even know how much it means to me.  She never will.  I take and take, and she never complains.  Sometimes I feel guilty, but inside my heart I feel like she is OK, despite my shortcomings.  

The definition of perfection, there she is.

Sometimes I walk along and pretend the birds are playing a silly game with me.  I can't catch up, but I never care.  I suppose they don't either.

I meet so many amazing people on her shores, and she has no idea how much grace it takes to arrange such meetings, and want nothing in return.  

Canines endlessly run with smiles, nose to the ground, and never cease to greet me. I wish everyone could be that happy; as happy as an unleashed dog on the beach.  It's how I want to live my life.  But I can only do it on her shores.  

The mighty Pacific is the perfect lover.  

I have made many mistakes in my life.  Sometimes my judgement has been questioned and my motives maligned.  However,,,moving and residing mere moments from the shores of her belly is NOT one of them.  Happiness comes in many forms, mine lulls me to sleep.

Sleep well my love.

I can only imagine....

Yesterday, on Mother's Day, I had the honor of dining with my Grandmother.  She is 94.  She is amazing.

It really was an amazing time, and we hugged and laughed and cried.  I am lucky that my daughter has gotten to know her Great Grandmother, and learn from her as I have.

In the middle of our meal, time stood still, for about 8-9 seconds.  I couldn't move, and I haven't stopped thinking about it since.  The simplest action.....

After a non significant bite, my Grandmother reached over and picked up my phone.  My iphone.

I couldn't speak because the view caught me off guard.  Here was this woman, who probably never imagined in her life that she would be where she is now, looking at a piece of technology that looked like a planet from another galaxy.  She didn't make a big deal of it, and her facial expression didn't change either.  She just looked.  She finally set it down, and I quickly quipped, "It's a camera too!"  Expressionless and without words, she picked up her fork and went back to eating.

I now hate my phone.  I hate that I carry it and rely so heavily on it's presence in my life.

Born in 1920, My Grandmother lived through an era that has seen not only an industrial revolution, but also a technological revolution.  Kicked out of her house at about 12 years of age, she has gone from making bread from scratch, to buying it in a store.  She washed her clothes by hand as a child, and now has the luxury of an automatic washing machine.  I pretend to understand.  But I can't.

I watched my grandmother wash tin foil and save it.  I have seen her reuse one box of ziploc bags over and over again.  She used to save every empty gallon of bleach and fill it with water and stow it away under the house.  We made ice cream by hand.  Hours of hanging clothes on the line, and tending a garden the size of what seemed like a city block.

Church on Sunday, Ravioli's on Christmas Eve, Family reunions, and fellowship.  Even after my Grandparents retired, they were philanthropic. Giving to those that needed, again and again.

She literally was in LOVE with my Grandfather, and vice versa.  They had hard times but always told me that they never went to bed mad.

She canned everything, and could cook the shit out of anything!  Going out to eat was a very rare luxury.  Always sitting down for a meal, table set to the nines.  Breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

They saved their money.  They tithed. They spent responsibly and borrowed responsibly.

They had the same phone and the same phone number for as long as I can remember.  

My grandmother has no idea what WI-FI is.  And, she doesn't care.  Hasn't a clue what an xbox is, or how cell phones work.  It's just not important to her.  Why is it so important to me?

I could make a lot of excuses for why I have a cell phone, and all the luxuries that she never had, but the truth is, I'm lazy.  WE are all lazy.  Everything she had to work so hard for, are now at our fingertips.  It cost more, it's worse for us, but we still take the easier route.  I know how to make bread.  But I don't.  It would be cheaper and save money to hang the clothes on the line,  but it's faster and easier to throw them in the dryer.  Ya see, my grandparents, YOUR grandparents were doing it right all along.  They saved and conserved when they didn't have to, and we NEED to, and don't.  

I have more respect for my Grandmother than any other person on the planet.  She went "Green" long before it was cool.  She recycled, She didn't worry about GMO's or fighting to have them removed.  She grew and canned her own food.  Our grandparents did it right.  

And there she was, looking at my cellphone. My stupid iphone.  I think I will go bake a pie.