Skipper Maverick

It's time.  The following read is a testimonial/list of valid reasons why I should be the next Seattle Mariner's manager:

Since 1977 the M's have had several Managers.  The Awesome Lou Pinella of course being the most recognizable and also the most successful.  I would never dream of stepping into Lou's shoes, but alas, the M's are a different team now, and the culture has changed around the ball fields since Lou left Seattle.  And so has Lou.

The Mariners have had 18 Managers since their inception.  Most of them being fired/replaced mid season.  Only one so far in the Hall of Fame.(Dick Williams)  (I am thinking Lou might end up there too.)  Well this my friend is in direct correlation with my defunct love life.  I'm not sure if 18 is the accurate number, but I have had more failed relationships than I care to chit chat about, so I fully understand the turn over and what it takes to rally the troops in the face of change.  BONUS!  I am flexible!

And then there is this.  NO ONE WANTS THIS FUCKING JOB.  Except me.  The Mariners have been deemed a farm club by die hard fans, and it's frustrating for managers to build on constant turnover and talent being traded away late in the season.  I have no problem with this, at all.  At my age hanging out with hot baseball players and travelling the country sounds pretty inviting.  I'm in!

I have a personal connection with the SAFE.  I not only have been there many times, but I have also explored every square inch of the facility.  In my mind I have had carnal relations in the club house more times than any other woman on the planet.  In reality I have had carnal relations in the family restroom twice, and approve the facility.  Very clean and lots of room!  I love the SAFE.

There are many other associations that the Mariners and myself have. 

• M's inception, 1977, I WAS BORN IN THE 70'S!
• The M's have only retired one number -- #42, I AM 42!
• The current venue is SAFECO FIELD, I currently call my pad Maverick's SAFE HOUSE! 

(the similarities are staggering, no?)

• Western Division Titles, 3 (1995,1997,2001), I have many titles, just ask anyone.
• In 2001, The M's won 116 games!, This number may or may not be parallel to the number of times I have had sex, at some point in time.
• Nintendo own the Mariners.  I hate video games.  (OK, that one doesn't fit.) fuck
• The Mariners are one of 8 teams in MLB that have yet to win a title.  I couldn't even secure a 1st place finish in the spelling bee in 7th grade!  WE FIT!

So, I also have a hella cool nickname.  Who doesn't want to hear, Skipper Maverick headed to the mound to calm her pitcher down and cop a feel?!   

Since 2001 (and even during most of that year) the Mariners have gotten little to NO air time on ESPN.  Well, if the Mariners obtained a manager with boobs, I can guarantee more air time.  Plus, I'm not known for staying silent!  Lots of sound bites at the very least!

I also have thought about the philanthropic opportunities.  I'm a giver.  After every game, press conferences must happen.  I can personally guarantee that I will be bleeped and fined more than any other manager in MLB history.  In case you didn't know, Player and Manager fines are mostly sent to charitable causes.  BOOM.  EVERYONE WINS!

And then there is this.  I can't do much worse.  Last year the M's (while I love them dearly) didn't exactly fair so well, no disrespect to Mr. Wedge.  Finishing 25 games out of first isn't going to attract Dusty Baker or Tony La Russa, or Bucky Shoalwalter.  

One last plus is that they could pick me up CHEAP.  Aside from my own delusional ramblings, I have zero qualifications.  They could use the money they save on my salary to bring in more talent. 

I just don't see how the Mariners really have another option than to offer me the job.  I will patiently await Mr. Armstrong's phone call.  I'm sure he has my number.  It's written on every bathroom wall on the West Coast.