I Have Had Enough

I am so sick of people and the way they discard other humans as trash.  Humans are not trash. They are someones family.  They have blood running through their veins.  What in the world is wrong with you?

So now, here is the truth.  Not opinion, but facts.  Facts that matter. 

Mental Illness is real.  Abuse is real.  Addiction is a disease.  You can spout and spew all you want about people making choices, but the fact is, if you haven't been where we have been, then shut your fucking mouth.

I have all 3.  And right now, I am indeed, technically homeless.  All I have is my mind, my heart, and my truck.  I have zero dollars, and no job.  My mind is so messed up that I can't leave the house most days.  My last net has been used, and I am trying hard to crawl out of this mess, but understand, this mess I have, you will NEVER understand.

Ok then, I will tell you my story, but just the worst parts.  Then you can stand in fucking judgment, and roll your eyes.

After my dad died when I was 5, my mother was quickly in another relationship with a prick.  The next 5 years of my life I was molested more than you could even fathom.  The boyfriend, his relatives, baby sitters, my own brothers, and their friends, and their friends.  Friends of my moms, and friends of theirs.  So shut the fuck up.  You have no idea how hard that is to bury and move along life with a smile on your face.

Yes, I told someone,  And this is what I heard.  "You will do anything to get attention, won't you?"  Yeah...judge that you assholes.  So until I was able to get away from the situation, It continued, as did my fear, and hatred of myself, the loneliness, and the betrayal. 

I think I was in the 7th grade when I started drinking.  It was just binging back then.  I didn't enjoy it, but it was my escape.  Unfortunately, not knowing better, that escape led to more sexual assaults. 

Did your parents friends ever give you whiskey in the 8th grade so they could fuck you?  Yeah, I didn't think so. 

I spent a large part of my youth running from the truth and trying to bury shit.  My pattern of bad choices and running got me into some pretty horrific situations.  As you might imagine, hiding the pain, and the mental illness was not easy.  So I became a smart ass.  A defense mechanism used by many to escape and put out the perception that we are ok.  I am not ok.  Not then, and  not now.

I have been raped twice as an adult, and put up with more shit that you could fathom because I have patterns, and I don't like myself.  I have been in mentally and physically abusive relationships most of my life because I am not well.  I did have one shot at a great relationship, but I fucked it up.  This was long before I was willing to admit that I was NOT ok.

So from abuse, comes addiction.  Alcohol is my weapon of choice.   Anything to forget.  I have been on anti-depressants for many years, but they don't make anything better, especially because I drink.  I know it sounds stupid, and I am an intelligent woman, but when you are trying to run from something, you will do anything to forget.  So yes, I am an alcoholic.  Part of trying to forget is forgetting who you are.  When you don't like yourself, you will do anything to forget.  Even for a few hours, an escape is a vacation. 

I have tried to commit suicide twice.  I even failed at that.  Truth is, I am not afraid to die.  Some days I think it would be a blessing.  I yearn for hope.  I want to see kids succeeding and being happy and healthy.  I want to see good things happen for people, but the truth is, I can't see hope for myself. I spent several days in a "facility".  And it was just that, a facility.  They let me walk out like nothing happened.  I was asked to put a safety plan in action, and keep in touch with those that meant most to me, but one by one...and day by day...that ended too.

A lot of my friends and acquaintances think I am strong and some sort of kick ass woman.  I am not.  I am a survivor doing anything I can to survive.  I do what I can to lift others up, and be a spark someone needs, but I just cannot spark myself.

Currently, no one in my family is speaking to me. Not even my own kid. This is a normal pattern with mental illness and addiction.  One by one, you give up, because you can't help what you won't acknowledge or understand.  I know from my education and personal experience, that the one most important part of fighting addiction is a support network.  Ya see where I am going here?  So it gets harder every day to fight....when everyone gives up on you.  You see no value in your own life, so you shrug and move forward. 

I understand why people turn on us.  It is a lot.  But what happened to love?  Unconditional love.  I can manage it, and you can't?  Because I'm broken?  I just lost a good friend of many years because I'm too much drama and pain.  Thanks.

I had to raise myself.  Aside from the abuse and addiction, the family unit has been shattered as well.  After my dad passed at the age of 5, my mom said fuck it.  Maybe some of you reading this don't realize, but when I was 16, my mom moved out of the house.  She told me she had raised her boys and I was on my own.  Put that in your pipe and smoke it.  I am tired of keeping secrets that hurt me. 

I made it though....and I have made it for a long time.  The realization is, that not all people are as strong as I pretend to be.  I fully understand shoving a needle in your arm to escape reality.  I fully understand suicide.  We don't want to die to stop living, we are running from pain.  Death makes pain go away.  So you can swing all the suicide banners you want, but until you start understanding mental illness and addiction, it won't stop.

Stop screaming "get yourself some help"!  It is not easy, and people that are already dealing with a lifetime of pain, are not patient.  (insert that lack of support here).  I have worked in Social Services, and I know how ridiculous the system is.  If you want help, you have to jump through so many hoops that people give up. That is what we do. We give up.  The TRUTH is, unless you are pregnant or in jail, help is very hard to come by.  Stop pretending its as easy as being on Dr. Phil, because it is not.  That shit is expensive.  And even if you do get there, the TRUTH is, people relapse.  THERE IS NO WAY YOU CAN ERASE YOUR PAST FROM YOUR BRAIN. 

When and if you do relapse, people turn on you harder than ever before.  Yay!  Good times.

Look around.  How many mental health facilities or rehabs do you see?  I'm waiting...

So every time you call a human a piece of trash, you are calling me a piece of trash.  Thanks.  Just because you can't relate to a person, doesn't mean they are trash.  Don't get me wrong, there are evil people in this world, but the facts are, addiction and mental illness have nothing to do with being lazy or stupid. 

We are trying to survive.  That is it.  We are trying to survive in a world that wants us to disappear. 

I hope this missive will help at least one person, but mostly I hope it will help you understand the cycle and how you must start at the bottom, and work backwards to help people.  The worst part of my days are when people tell me to just be happy, or get over it, or pull myself together.  What the fuck does that look like?