Nothing can prepare you for this.
I am supposed to want this. I don't.
I have spent a couple or a few months trying to find what normal looks like again. And, now.....I'm all fucked up again.
Writing helps me, so here goes.
When someone hurts you in the most obtrusive way, there is no magic potion to make it go away. Therapy, and time and loved ones take up space in the pain, but the mind doesn't let go of things arbitrarily.
If it isn't anxiety, it's nightmares. If it isn't self doubt, it's humiliation. Days drag on, and all I can do is find a way to make the time go. Go away.
I am so pissed off. What part of justice protects me? Justice is suppose to mean something good. I just want to hide and work on finding my way through. I do not want to relive this, and talk about it for weeks. I don't want to see him. EVER. I just want to move forward. I am now forced to move backwards.
Part of this is inexplicable. No one really knows, (except for my therapist) how many demons surf through my thoughts. And I suppose, if people knew, it wouldn't help. However, trying to justify being batshit crazy is impossible.
The truth. I know I am loved. I have many people that care for me. I move in that direction as often as possible. But, at what point do I become a liability to my circle? It worries me. So I prefer alone.
I lean on prayer, and am starved for hope. I read, and study, and practice, and redirect. I battle logic and emotion minute by minute. The most innocent gesture from a person can turn me upside down...and I FUCKING HATE THAT.
Words become oh so objective. Looking in the mirror. Behaving rationally. I feel like an infant.
I WANT to believe it is going to be ok. I WANT to believe that this is a step forward. I WANT to believe that justice will heal me. I just can't.
I miss my old self. I miss the way my thought processes soothed me. I miss just feeling purposeful and significant. I miss Casi.
The funny thing is, I spent so much time in my life pretending to be happy, and now, I can't even do that.
I want to believe this too shall pass....but what if it doesn't?
